A Large Family Survival Guide(4 min read)

Large Family Survival Guide | Borrowed Arrows

A Large Family Survival Guide(4 min read)

Large Family Survival Guide | Borrowed Arrows

The average home in America has 2.1 children. Among the homes in which has resided simultaneously more than one child, there are those that can testify that, at some point in time, there has existed between them a rivalry of sorts. However, imagine for a moment being born into a large family of twelve. This, dear reader, is a world in which one would have to share everything with his siblings (except maybe his underwear), find no place of solitary to speak of, have no time for himself, and, worst of all, find no room on the couch –ever.

Therefore, if one happens to be one of these unfortunate souls, here are some indispensable principles to live by in order to survive among the ranks of an unusually large family.

Never make fun of, steal from, “snitch” on, or pick a fight with a sibling that is older, larger, or stronger than oneself.

Picking Fights | A Large Family Survival Guide
The scenario pictured is purely fictional. The nature of these fights do not allow the civility a pair of gloves would provide.

Violation of this principle may lead to missing valuables, merciless pranks, or the possibility of the dreaded “swirly”. However, if the younger, smaller, weaker child feels the utmost need to perform such proceedings, he should make certain that he can recruit one or more similarly older, larger, or stronger siblings on his side to unapologetically support such an act of defiance.

The youngest sibling will always get his way.

The Youngest Sibling | A Large Family Survival Guide
Cute, Innocent Cry Face: youngest sibling secret weapon #37.

There is absolutely nothing one can do to change this inevitable fact of life. Therefore, must learn to live with it and have faith in the fact that the younger sibling will reap the consequences of being a spoiled brat. Failure to follow this principle may result in false allegations by the younger sibling for spillage of various liquids, for expressive art on walls, and for thievery of any kind. One should never attempt to shift the blame back to the younger sibling. Success in this suicidal manner of accusation is very rare. One should proceed with great caution.

Whether or not one eats is solely based on survival of the fittest.

Survival of the Fittest
No, this is not the remnant of a delectable sandwich. This is what failure looks like -failure to survive.

Scratching, shoving, and a meritorious bite or two may be required to successfully acquire a warm and fully intact plate of food. However, once one has retrieved his provisions, he should never leave his victuals unattended. Failure to follow this principle may result in minimal food intake, eating leftovers from the previous day’s meal, or, in rare reported cases, the unfortunate privilege of consuming a double-heeled sandwich.

When one is in need of the bathroom facilities, it does not matter how many facilities there are in the home of a large family; to assume their immediate availability is to play a fool’s game.

Bathroom Availability
The amount of paper on this roll is that for which only a fool would hope. One should prepare his mind, body and soul to find an alternative that will get the job done.

Therefore, he must train his body to withhold itself from certain bodily functions for extended periods of time. However, in the likely case where one’s elder sister is hoggishly occupying the facilities, he must resort to effectual fervent prayer to God that he does not relieve himself unintentionally in an unsuitable or unauthorized area. Failure to follow this principle will result in complete and utter humiliation for the remainder of one’s life.


By adhering to these core principles, one can rest assured in avoiding unnecessary bodily harm, ridiculous allegations, severe hunger, and “accidents” of any kind in a large family.  Nevertheless, there are many more principles and guidelines one could practice to ensure their tenure in a large family to be that of a more comfortable experience. However, there are too many to be written that all the volumes of books in the world could not contain them.

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  1. Hebrews 12:11
    Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

  2. I’m a bit jealous knowing that some siblings apparently didn’t have to share underwear.

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